Dating with Discernment
In a generation flooded with romantic content, dating apps, and emotional hype, Christian singles are constantly bombarded with voices that blur biblical boundaries.
Dating is not a game—it’s a gateway to destiny.
Sadly, many well-meaning believers ignore red flags under the guise of
grace or infatuation. But ignoring early warning signs can lead to delayed
purpose, spiritual burnout, or marrying outside God’s will.
The Holy Spirit wants to help you discern beyond emotions.
Let’s break down the top red flags to watch out for—using biblical
principles, spiritual wisdom, and real-life insight.
1. They Don’t
Prioritize Their Walk with God
“Can two walk together unless they agree?” – Amos 3:3
If their spiritual life is dry, inconsistent, or built on your energy—not
theirs—that’s a red flag. You can’t “fix” someone into spiritual growth. A
partner who doesn’t pursue God won’t suddenly become your prayer warrior after
marriage.
2. They Justify Sin
or Compromise
Watch out for someone who says:
- “We’re already committed, so
boundaries don’t matter.”
- “God understands—we’re only
human.”
They may attend church but mock godly standards. True repentance
leads to change, not excuses.
“Flee from sexual immorality.” — 1 Corinthians 6:18
3. You Hide the
Relationship from Godly Counsel
If you’re afraid of what your pastor, mentor, or mature friends will say,
that’s a spiritual red flag. Deception thrives in secrecy.
“In the multitude of counsel there is safety.” — Proverbs 11:14
4. They Speak the
Language of Church but Not the Fruit of Christ
Quoting Scripture or lifting hands during worship is not a sign of
spiritual maturity. Observe how they treat people, handle conflict, spend
money, and serve others. Look for fruit, not just familiarity with
church culture.
“By their fruit, you shall know them.” — Matthew 7:20
5. They’re Not
Submitted to Authority
A man or woman not submitted to spiritual leadership often struggles with
accountability. If they resist correction, avoid mentorship, or dismiss church
covering, that’s a major concern—because submission is Kingdom culture.
6. They Pressure
You for Sex or Physical Intimacy
Even if it’s under the guise of “proving your love” or “we’re getting
married anyway,” pressuring you to compromise sexually is a blatant sign of
self-centeredness, not Christ-centered love.
“Love is patient… it does not seek its own.” — 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
7. They Don’t Have
a Vision or Direction
Where are they going spiritually, professionally, or emotionally? A
person with no purpose is vulnerable to distractions. As Dr. Myles Munroe once
said:
“When purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable.”
8. They Refuse to
Pray With You
If someone can’t pray with you now, they won’t lead spiritually later.
Prayer reveals spiritual compatibility and vulnerability. It also protects your
emotions and decision-making.
9. They Make You
Feel Insecure or Unworthy
Any relationship that constantly attacks your confidence, body image,
gifts, or calling is not from God. True love edifies, not diminishes.
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth...” — Ephesians
4:29
10. They’re
Emotionally Unstable or Manipulative
- Mood swings
- Silent treatment
- Emotional guilt trips
- Threats to leave when boundaries
are enforced
These are signs of emotional immaturity, not sacrificial love.
11. You’re More
Spiritually Mature, Yet You’re the Only One Giving
If you're carrying the weight of Bible study, emotional support,
spiritual guidance, and vision, it’s not a partnership—it's a discipleship,
and you’re not their pastor.
12. They Belittle
or Compete With Your Calling
A godly partner celebrates your calling, doesn’t compete with it. If
someone feels threatened by your ministry, purpose, or influence, they may
eventually try to silence or shrink you.
13. They Rush the
Relationship Without Building Friendship
Kingdom relationships are built slowly with clarity and peace, not
haste. Someone rushing to get married after a few weeks may be operating from
fear, lust, or agenda—not discernment.
14. They’ve Not
Healed From Past Relationships
Watch how they speak about their ex. Bitterness, unresolved hurt, or
constant comparison shows they haven’t healed. Unhealed people bleed on
those who didn’t cut them.
15. God’s Peace Is
Missing
Even if the person checks every box, lack of peace is a loud red flag.
The Holy Spirit guides with peace, not confusion.
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts…” — Colossians 3:15
Green Flags in
Christian Dating (Quick Recap)
- They honor boundaries
- They love God more than they love
you
- They have spiritual mentors
- They walk in purpose
- They bring clarity, not confusion
- They treat you with respect and
patience
- They pray for you, with you, and
over you
Conclusion: Guard Your Heart, Guard
Your Future
Red flags aren’t just warnings—they’re invitations to pause and pray.
God would rather disappoint your emotions now than let your destiny be derailed
later.
Don’t enter a relationship out of pressure or loneliness. Wait for
alignment, confirmation, and peace. And when it comes, you’ll be glad you did.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
— Proverbs 4:23
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