Christian Boundaries in Courtship: What’s Okay & What’s Not

Why Boundaries Matter in Christian Courtship

In today’s hypersexual world, even Christian couples struggle to define what’s acceptable while dating or courting. If you’re asking:

I. “How far is too far physically?”

II. “Can we kiss?”“

III. Is emotional intimacy dangerous?”“

IV. How do we honor God while dating?”

You're not alone.

Courtship, unlike casual dating, is intentional and purpose-driven, usually with marriage in view. But even with sincere intentions, crossing emotional or sexual boundaries can damage trust, spiritual growth, and your witness as believers.

In this guide, we explore biblical boundaries in Christian courtship—what’s okay, what’s not, and how to protect your relationship from sin and regret.

What Is Christian Courtship?

Christian courtship is a season of getting to know someone with the intention of marriage, under God's guidance, accountability, and purity.

Unlike worldly dating, courtship:

I. Prioritizes spiritual compatibility

II. Emphasizes sexual purity

III. Involves godly counsel

IV. Is anchored in honoring God first

Key Scriptures That Guide Christian Relationships

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5:
“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality...”

2 Timothy 2:22:
“Flee youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace…”

Proverbs 4:23:
“Guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Song of Songs 2:7:
“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

3 Categories of Boundaries in Courtship

1. Physical Boundaries

2. Emotional Boundaries

3. Spiritual Boundaries

Let’s explore each in depth.

1. Physical Boundaries in Christian Courtship

The Bible clearly calls for sexual purity before marriage. But many Christians struggle to define what “sexual immorality” means in practical terms.

What’s NOT Okay Physically Before Marriage:

Sexual intercourse of any kind (oral, vaginal, or anal) – 1 Corinthians 6:18
Heavy petting and fondling
Touching private areas even with clothes on
Lying down together, especially in private
Spending the night together
Sensual dancing or grinding
Nudity or partial undress
Watching or sharing pornography

Why it's not okay:
Sex is sacred and reserved for covenant marriage (Hebrews 13:4). These actions awaken lust and can easily lead to fornication.

Gray Areas: Can Christians Kiss While Courting?

Kissing on the cheek or hand may be innocent. However, deep or prolonged kissing can stimulate sexual desire.

The Holy Spirit will convict you if your affection crosses into temptation.

A helpful principle:
If you wouldn’t do it in front of your pastor, small group, or your future spouse’s parents—it’s probably too far.

What’s Okay Physically in Christian Courtship?

Holding hands (if it doesn’t lead to more)
Brief side hugs
Sitting next to each other in public settings
Group outings and date nights with accountability
Light, respectful touches that aren’t sensual

2. Emotional Boundaries in Christian Courtship

You can be sexually pure but emotionally entangled. Emotional soul ties form when your heart becomes too attached too soon—outside of commitment or covenant.

What’s NOT Okay Emotionally:

Acting like you’re already married
Sharing deep traumas or secrets too soon
Over-dependence on each other for comfort or identity
Jealousy and possessiveness
Obsessive texting or constant checking in
Manipulating through emotional threats ("If you leave, I’ll…")

Why it matters:
Emotional overexposure can lead to heartbreak, control issues, and premature intimacy without real commitment.

What’s Okay Emotionally in Christian Courtship:

Sharing goals, vision, and calling
Gradual vulnerability as trust grows
Respecting each other’s boundaries and space
Encouraging one another in faith and growth
Keeping Christ as your emotional anchor—not your partner.

3. Spiritual Boundaries in Christian Courtship

It’s good to pray and study Scripture together. But spiritual intimacy, if not guarded, can feel more binding than marriage emotionally.

What’s NOT Okay Spiritually:

Acting like a “spiritual spouse”
Praying in private alone in the dark or bed
Using prayer time to manipulate emotions
Assuming you’re meant to marry without God’s clear direction
Speaking “thus says the Lord” about each other’s future without confirmation

Why it matters:
Spiritual manipulation or premature bonding can lead to confusion, false expectations, or idolatry of your partner.

What’s Okay Spiritually:

Praying together in public or group settings
Attending church and Bible study together
Encouraging one another in personal walk with God
Reading devotional materials or books on Christian courtship
Submitting your relationship to mentors or spiritual authorities.

How to Set Boundaries That Last

Setting boundaries is not legalism—it’s wisdom. Here’s how to build them:

1. Start With a Shared Vision

Before anything gets romantic, talk about boundaries. Ask:

What are your convictions about physical touch?
What’s your stance on kissing, sleepovers, and PDA?
Are you okay with accountability partners?

2. Write It Down

Create a written “courtship agreement” together. Include:

Physical do’s and don’ts
Where and when you can be alone
What content you’ll watch or avoid
What prayer or spiritual activities are allowed

This isn’t a prison—it’s a protection plan.

3. Invite Accountability

Ask a pastor, mentor, or mature couple to walk with you. They can:

Keep you in check
Give biblical counsel
Pray for your purity and direction

4. Stay Humble and Honest

If you fall short, don’t hide. Repent. Reset. Talk. Don’t let shame keep you from grace.

The Danger of “How Far Can We Go?” Thinking

The wrong question is:

“How far can we go without sinning?”

The right question is:

“How can we honor God and each other in purity and love?”

God isn’t just trying to kill your fun—He’s protecting your future.

What If You’ve Already Crossed Boundaries?

You’re not doomed. God’s mercy covers even the deepest mistakes.

1 John 1:9
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive…”

Steps to healing:

Confess and repent honestly
Set new boundaries immediately
Seek godly counsel
Take a break from romantic engagement if needed
Focus on individual healing and growth

Why Boundaries Bring Freedom, Not Bondage

Boundaries don’t suffocate love—they protect it.

They build trust.
They foster respect.
They invite God into the center.

When you both wait in purity, your wedding night becomes a sacred celebration, not a guilty recovery.

Christian Courtship Boundaries Checklist

Physical:

No sex or oral activity
No sensual touching or making out
No private sleepovers

Emotional:

Avoid premature “I love yous”
Don’t act married
Avoid codependency

Spiritual:

Pray together in safe spaces
Involve mentors
Avoid spiritual manipulation

Your Relationship Can Honor God

Boundaries are not old-fashioned—they are God-fashioned. A godly relationship is built on:

Purity
Accountability
Christ-centered love
Mutual respect
Shared vision

God cares about how you date because He cares about your destiny. Don’t trade long-term purpose for short-term passion.